Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Funny Bush Videos

I had to do it eventually. Ever since Bush has decided that he's G-d and has the right to give land that doesn't belong to him to the enemies of the Jews, I had to, at some point, make some fun of him.
So here you go, so hilarious Bush videos:



Friday, May 2, 2008

Monday, April 21, 2008

Worth Quoting: Dave Barry on the Economic Stimulus Payment

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. Only a smidgen.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A. Shut up."

Saturday, January 26, 2008

WHAT??!!!

All right, I don't get this. Why in the world would anyone pay over a THOUSAND DOLLARS for an 80gb iPod?

Weird.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Chevra Lip-syncing

I found this hilarious! But to top off just the content of the video, this guy's not Jewish, doesn't understand a word of Hebrew, and he's sitting there listening to Eli Gerstner and the Chevra.

How a non-Jew started listening to and enjoying Jewish music is beyond me, but I guess any thing's possible.

This happens to be a really good song, one of the few Chevra songs that actually utilize the guitar and harmonies nicely.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Ahhh some humor-The Interactive Teshuva Hotline

Thank you for calling the Interactive Teshuvah Hotline here in Heaven. Due to the approaching High Holidays, which is our busiest season, all of our telephone lines are temporarily busy. Please wait patiently as your call will be answered in sequence - and remember, patience is a virtue. You will no doubt enjoy our musical selection of Yeshiva Rock and the Best of Shlomo Carlebach, while you wait. Please note that these telephone lines will not be available on the two days of Rosh Hashanah, and on Yom Kippur. For a voice recording in Ashkenazic English dialect, press 1, for Sephardic, press 2, for New York, press 3. If you are uncertain, press 4. This line is also available in other languages. For Hebrew, press 5, for Yiddish, press 6, for Russian, press 7, for others, press 8. Please note that our service is not available in Arabic or French.

If you have never used the Interactive Teshuva Hotline before, you will need to listen carefully to our simple sequenced instructions. This service is available for touch-tone telephone users as a supplement to your davening (praying) at shul over the Ten Days of Awe. It is not a substitute. Let us now begin.

To access your personalized account of all your known aveiros (transgressions), including dates and affected parties, please press 1 now. If you have not already apologized to the affected parties, please hang up now and call back when this has been done. For a personalized list of aveiros towards HaKadosh Baruch Hu, (Him) please press 2. Please note that in order to provide timely service to all callers, there is now a limit of 20 aveiros per person at one time. Politicians and Reform Party supporters will require several visits to complete their inventory. Humour columnists who frequently exceed their word counts or use big words should hang up now and try calling later, say, after the Millennium.

Please select the aveiros you have committed this past year. In case you have forgotten, we offer a list of the most popular aveirot. To activate this function, please press the pound (#) key. Once you have chosen the proper aveirah, enter the code and press the pound key to enter it. As you enter your aveirah, our service will prompt you for your Explanation. If you committed the aveirah because he/she did it, press 1.

If you did so by accident, but did not mean to, press 2. If you have a good reason, but won't tell anyone what it is, press 3. If you did so knowing you were wrong, but didn't think you would get caught, press 3. If you blame your legal counsel for the aveirah, press 4. If you blame the influence of Freud or television, press 5. If you blame it on Rock n' Roll, Rap and/or drugs, press 6. If you want to blame someone else for the aveirah but can't think of anyone in particular, press 7.

At the conclusion of your aveiros, enter the star (*) key. For those of you with 7 aveiros or less, we offer a Tzadik Express Line. Please press 1 to access this Express line now. This is only for real tzadikim: if you think you are a tzadik or tzadeket, you are probably not. Remember, no sneaking in with 8 or more aveirot. Please note that the same aveirah committed against two individuals counts as two items.

Now that you have entered your personal aveirot, you may access the Selichot component of our service. As our computer reads out each aveirah you have indicated, please enter the contrition code.

For example, a "1" means you are only mildly sorry for your action, "2" means you are somewhat sorry, but have mitigating circumstances and a good lawyer, "3" means you are very sorry but will likely repeat it and have a great lawyer, "4" means you are very very sorry, and will not repeat it unless there are mitigating circumstances and you have Dershowitz on retainer, and "5" means you are extremely sorry and will not repeat the aveirah under any circumstances, since you have only your second cousin's son-in law who failed the bar twice. Please proceed with your Selichos sequence now....

Our computer has now processed your request for Kaparah (atonement). Before we reveal the decision results, you may increase your score by pledging additional tzedakah to your favourite charity.

All major credit cards are accepted. Please enter your pledge amount (in US dollars), followed by your credit card number and expiry date. Thank you. Based on your Aveirah Score, Selichos Score and Tzedakah Score, you have been granted conditional atonement. This offer expires within one calendar year.

Thank you for visiting the Teshuva Hotline today, and remember, we know everything.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Microsoft redesigns the iPod

Only certain people will enjoy this, I think it's hilarious.

Interesting Stuff




A woman died who had a great sense of humor and always used to say that when she died she wanted a parking meter on her grave that says "Expired". So her nephew got her one on ebay! He said that her grave is right by the road so everyone can see it and many people have stopped to get a chuckle. Her humor does live on and i think that is wonderful!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Arab Dog vs. Israel Dog

My grandomother sent me this for a laugh, if only it was this easy.


The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world.

So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could.

The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the disputed areas.

The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed them the best food . They used steroids and trainers in their quest f or the perfect killing machine.

After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast. When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal.

It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. The're was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer
dog's tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an
alligator look like a Dachshund."



Then of course the Arabs would cry 'foul' and make Israel give them the land.